Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.