Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴
You Might Also Like
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.