Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
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I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office