Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
🤣could you imagine
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.