Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
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Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you