Y’all know who you are.
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guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
this is me
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.