y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
You Might Also Like
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
This is the one
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.