Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
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there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Previously On Persistence 😎
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
blocked.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.