@darealkykilla

yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college

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@panmidwest

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

@lmwortho

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

@TheHyyyype

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

@clichedout

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

@Contwixt

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

@Marlebean

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.