yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
You Might Also Like
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My Guy
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
These are my roll models.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.