[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.