Y’all ready for this
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Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
This headline is a thing of beauty
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine