Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Seems a bit forward
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!