Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
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if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My five year plan is a meteorite
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”