Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.