Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I bet birds love this building.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
A French press is when you hug naked
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.