yall want some gasoline milk
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I mean…but I did
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.