y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.