{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
welp
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)