Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
When I pack too much for a short trip.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Beware of the “party goblin”…