@BigJDubz

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

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@TheFakeCNN

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

@ch000ch

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

@sinnerland

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

@womenshumor

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

@yoyoha

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

@CliffDuffy

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

@AngieDavisHaha

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

@Nickadoo

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”