The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
“Too many boys”
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”