Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
three things we don’t talk about
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Not today. 😅