Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
You Might Also Like
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
“our sushi is very fresh”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
She: I like Cats
He:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.