“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend: