yea so i messed up lol
You Might Also Like
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.