Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me