“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
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If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.