yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
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Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Succinctly put.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party