Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Introverted vegans go meetless
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”