Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing