Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone