yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers