@itsBABYSMITH
@malt_skull Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
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@malt_skull 
@0point5twins *knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
@E_lok44 One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
@LurkAtHomeMom I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
@OneFunnyMummy Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
@difficultpatty If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
@angeliav68 It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
@DawnLovesZombie I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
@TheTweetOfGod Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
@graceupongracie My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring