yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.