Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.