yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
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Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.