Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
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[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Yup.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now