yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.