@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

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@Angrea

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

@Wakenbake77

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

@BombChelleMama_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@PFTompkins

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@MadGamer79

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

@NotTodayEric

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT