Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Don’t tell me what to do

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them