Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Erm I’m gonna say no
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/