Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

My kitchen overserved me.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep