Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
is it earth
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”