oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.