Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.