Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
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me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.