Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
You Might Also Like
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea