yeah nice try. not falling for that again
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I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!