Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
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I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose