yeah no that’s fair
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Woke up against my better judgment again
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.