Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
You Might Also Like
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
calling in to work dehydrated
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her