yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”