Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
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I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food