Yeah. This was me today.
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
😂 amazing answer
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE