“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really