Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT