yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.